I cant figure it out. For 9 yrs my to do list has remained the same length.
I do, then cross off.
Then life happens, add on.
Do, cross off.
Live life, add on.

Ok. I get it. The list will always be the same damn length.

At least "buy more diapers" isn't on there anymore. Although the diaper days seem, in my mind anyway, much simpler than life now and that makes no sense to me at all.

Sigh.

Back to my list.

Sent from my phone.

Skinny Jeans and Lawn Mowers

No, I cannot eat doughnuts on Sundays after church and still fit into my skinny jeans. Yes, I must work out everyday to fit into my skinny jeans. No, I cannot eat whatever I want if I want to fit into my skinny jeans. Maybe I should get a bigger pair of skinny jeans. Just a thought. But I'm too cheap for that. Not going to buy new clothes just cuz I can't control the food that goes into my mouth, down my throat, and straight to my hips.

My lawn mower (yes, it's mine, this year's bday present at my request) needed an oil change after 8 hrs of use. I pulled it out of the garage the other day to get to business on the lawn and was surprised to see a pool of dirty oil underneath. So, though a bit painful, I got out the manual and Ryan walked me through the oil changing process...and I checked the air filter too. Might be growing a mustache soon.

Maintenance is sometimes annoying, even inconvenient, but nonetheless, necessary.

13 years ago my dad picked me up from my college apartment in Santa Barbara and we headed off, my younger brother in the back seat, to Lake Nacimiento.

My dad and I really hadn't spoken to each other in two years. He had done some jerk things and i, being 18 at the time, wrote him off.
But a counselor had asked me if my dad and I had any common recreational hobbies. Uh...yeah...camping, boating, lakes, etc. So the trip to Naci was planned.
The car ride was awkward but after a few minutes on the water, it all seemed normal.
Then my dad being my dad had heard about this other lake...Lake San Antonio. You could get there from Naci by way of a windy back road. We pulled the boat out and off we went.
We arrived at San Anton, and after my dad caught glimpse of the numerous trees and un-rough waters (even in the afternoon) he was hooked.
And so for 13 years we have gone on a family vacation (all siblings and husbands, one by one, and grandkids, one by one, my dad, Judy and a plethora of other fireman families) to Lake San Antonio.
My dad was the glue for our trip...the driving force. His trailer was home base. His presence was comfort.
This year we return minus my dad and minus Judy. We head up to this trip with what I can only describe as an orphan feeling.
There is nothing normal about this trip. And yet we plunge into the unknown with the hopes the carving the way toward a new normal.

"Each new day forces one to face some new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one's life."

Sent from my phone.

I feel grown up to today. Maybe it's having friends who like to hang out with you as much as you like hanging out with them. Maybe it's the grass in the backyard. Maybe it's the trailer in the driveway or the fact that my kids are at an age where they crack jokes and join in with my sarcasm. Whatever the reason, it feels good.
Thank you God for all these gifts in my life.

Sent from my phone.

Have you ever felt it before? That feeling of...oh man, I'm gonna lose it today at some point.
I fought it all morning, but alas, as I was leaving work this afternoon I let it flow, and flow, and flow (the tears folks, the tears). The best advice I received on "grieving," was, "feel it." I felt it today.

The other day I went to put a mug away in the cupboard and to my surprise I found a bottle of creamer standing in line with all the other mugs.

Some days are just like that, right? Doing something but thinking completely of something else?

Yesterday was operation clean-the-house day. Pick-up-and-go-life is wonderful and without it I would be as boring (and bored I'll add) as a brick, but at some point, you have to sift through the piles and put stuff away.

I've also been hard at work on our lawn. It was seeded about four weeks ago and three days ago we were given the o.k. to mow, at which point our backyard looked like the rolling hills from up the coast somewhere. I'm about five hours into the mow job, but I think today will be the final cut and then it's maintenance after that. I love mowing the lawn though -- instant gratification. Don't care too much for the green fingernails though...haha..